You just explained a ton of what I've been trying to figure out about you. I've been a professional screenwriter for my career, and your skill with words, your ability to illuminate things that usually rest just below the level of conscious awareness is beyond anyone I've ever worked with. I'm a more "literate" screenwriter, write semi-poetically when it's appropriate for the project, but at more than twice your age can't say my "purple prose" lives up to yours. So I wondered what drives you to dive below the surface most people don't dare penetrate. And now I know. It's pain. And while it's different for each Writer who explores truths others won't, that's the one commonality we all share. My heart bleeds to know this about you, but... welcome to the club, Sherry. You have a rare gift, and that gift will be your salvation, if you let it. Most people suffer in silence because they lack the depth of expression you possess. But for those like you, whose words give shape and form to what would otherwise go nameless, it can be cathartic. Your own private exorcism. I caught glimpses of that in "I Want To Be Beautiful" and "Just Do What You Want" and "I Want A Boyfriend." All things you already are or richly deserve, by the way, but will have difficulty finding anyone who fully comprehends about you. Rare insight is a double-edged sword; those who have it can't imagine life without it. Yet, you find yourself occupying a space few can share. It's a calling, but not without its loneliness. Jane Austen's Georgian/Regency-period dialogue was the Rembrandt of her literary genre, but she mostly wrote about people overcoming the false impediments of unequal Class and Wealth that dictated life in her day. She had nothing on you; you also chafe at artificial restraints, but you're too young and vibrant to become the recluse she was. Let words be your release. Your path to freedom. Should you choose to write stories that metaphorically explore what for you remains unresolved, it will open doors you didn't even know were closed. This is what Writers do; confront their own fears and failings, one page at a time. And I didn't need to read more than a few of your words to recognize a true Writer, reaching for something she herself had yet to fully apprehend.
I read “bird by bird” recently and loved the what Anne Lamont wrote about the writing and how nourishing it is for you. It’s a nice habit to have and it’s refreshing to be reminded of it when I read it, as well as this. It’s a good thing to be writing. And i cant remember know how or when i subscribed here but i’m glad you found something in writing, and that you reminded me of how nice it is, instead of those empty urges/vices you listed. Sorry for your loss, may you find and cultivate that love and faith you speak about.
Resonates. It's been an odd time. My parents are alive but getting there and I stay up for hours expecting the hammer to drop the next day. Therapy did not help for the reasons you described but I am hopeful that one day I will tire of the worry and the fever will break. I hope it does for you too.
This is vulnerable and brave. I wish you strength, courage and kindness. It is a journey; and I wish you all the best! Revealing ourselves to people can turn out to be more helpful and beautiful that we think. Keep writing <3
I have sort of a similar perspective when it comes to therapy but I use the things I learn in therapy and apply them to other people. I like to try and see how far I can get into people’s minds by using similar language that my therapist has. It’s shockingly effective. This was such a raw, interesting read especially with how you described the “I don’t want to be here” feelings. I’d love to see more of these in the future if you feel inclined
I recommend David Foster Wallace’s short story “Good Old Neon” - it’s slightly darker than what you both described re: therapy, but it touches on similar themes and is one of my favorites.
"something is breaking—in a good way, because that’s how rebirths happen" This is beautiful Sherry! There is something so personal about reading someone's unedited thoughts. I am sorry your emotions have been hitting you so hard lately, but it sounds like they're on the way to something great. Just keep writing through it :)
My trick for the game of therapy is to gang up with the therapist against yourself. Then you're on the winning side both ways (and also the losing side, which is also the winning side - masochists will get it).
Once you've really built trust, you and the therapist can also gang up against the therapist. So it's them and you versus you and them. And that's a fun game.
Of everything I've seen of your writing thus far, even the more personal ones, this feels like the first time I saw beneath the veneer. Haven't seen everything, but of what I have seen it seems like there was no curated image or writers aesthetic here. It is also the piece of you I've liked the most and felt deeply impressed by
the title was a nice bucket of ice bc .. today really IS the first day of the rest of your life. and so is every day until you die. agree with your criticism of the dsm and your thoughts on mental wellness, definitely refreshing to see your thoughts. i also haven't finished reading the body keeps the score (and probably never will lol)
Wow I relate to this a lot! I recently wrote a similar too-personal post about my feeling of psychological phantom limb while in a church in Toulouse. You, or others here might relate.
There are so many parts that resonated for me as I lost my mum in my 20s. The gorge between before and after their passing away is real. I am in my 40s now and may have found some solace after all these years. I wrote about it in my last post. I am a huge Plath fan too for her ability to express. Thank you for sharing. It’s not easy to be share this.
It's the imposter syndrome...many of us have it, especially creatives... A dualism some strange outer body dichotomy thats almost unexplainable. I'm starting a new adventure within a career I've created for 30 plus years. The new adventure venture offers new unfamiliarity and skill sets outside my comfort zones. That being said I have this dread of consistently walking on layers of jello. (Always loved the black raspberry). It's the same spiritually. If your doing it correctly whatever that means you're never truly comfortable and the notion that what transcends out from the tongue never seems to line up somehow. I call it the demon of doubt. Anyway keep going...its a narrow gate that leads to unknown places where real honest security awaits you. Whoever trailblazes the path with you count your blessings...rare indeed
You just explained a ton of what I've been trying to figure out about you. I've been a professional screenwriter for my career, and your skill with words, your ability to illuminate things that usually rest just below the level of conscious awareness is beyond anyone I've ever worked with. I'm a more "literate" screenwriter, write semi-poetically when it's appropriate for the project, but at more than twice your age can't say my "purple prose" lives up to yours. So I wondered what drives you to dive below the surface most people don't dare penetrate. And now I know. It's pain. And while it's different for each Writer who explores truths others won't, that's the one commonality we all share. My heart bleeds to know this about you, but... welcome to the club, Sherry. You have a rare gift, and that gift will be your salvation, if you let it. Most people suffer in silence because they lack the depth of expression you possess. But for those like you, whose words give shape and form to what would otherwise go nameless, it can be cathartic. Your own private exorcism. I caught glimpses of that in "I Want To Be Beautiful" and "Just Do What You Want" and "I Want A Boyfriend." All things you already are or richly deserve, by the way, but will have difficulty finding anyone who fully comprehends about you. Rare insight is a double-edged sword; those who have it can't imagine life without it. Yet, you find yourself occupying a space few can share. It's a calling, but not without its loneliness. Jane Austen's Georgian/Regency-period dialogue was the Rembrandt of her literary genre, but she mostly wrote about people overcoming the false impediments of unequal Class and Wealth that dictated life in her day. She had nothing on you; you also chafe at artificial restraints, but you're too young and vibrant to become the recluse she was. Let words be your release. Your path to freedom. Should you choose to write stories that metaphorically explore what for you remains unresolved, it will open doors you didn't even know were closed. This is what Writers do; confront their own fears and failings, one page at a time. And I didn't need to read more than a few of your words to recognize a true Writer, reaching for something she herself had yet to fully apprehend.
I read “bird by bird” recently and loved the what Anne Lamont wrote about the writing and how nourishing it is for you. It’s a nice habit to have and it’s refreshing to be reminded of it when I read it, as well as this. It’s a good thing to be writing. And i cant remember know how or when i subscribed here but i’m glad you found something in writing, and that you reminded me of how nice it is, instead of those empty urges/vices you listed. Sorry for your loss, may you find and cultivate that love and faith you speak about.
Resonates. It's been an odd time. My parents are alive but getting there and I stay up for hours expecting the hammer to drop the next day. Therapy did not help for the reasons you described but I am hopeful that one day I will tire of the worry and the fever will break. I hope it does for you too.
This is vulnerable and brave. I wish you strength, courage and kindness. It is a journey; and I wish you all the best! Revealing ourselves to people can turn out to be more helpful and beautiful that we think. Keep writing <3
I have sort of a similar perspective when it comes to therapy but I use the things I learn in therapy and apply them to other people. I like to try and see how far I can get into people’s minds by using similar language that my therapist has. It’s shockingly effective. This was such a raw, interesting read especially with how you described the “I don’t want to be here” feelings. I’d love to see more of these in the future if you feel inclined
I recommend David Foster Wallace’s short story “Good Old Neon” - it’s slightly darker than what you both described re: therapy, but it touches on similar themes and is one of my favorites.
"something is breaking—in a good way, because that’s how rebirths happen" This is beautiful Sherry! There is something so personal about reading someone's unedited thoughts. I am sorry your emotions have been hitting you so hard lately, but it sounds like they're on the way to something great. Just keep writing through it :)
Love this. More please.
My trick for the game of therapy is to gang up with the therapist against yourself. Then you're on the winning side both ways (and also the losing side, which is also the winning side - masochists will get it).
Once you've really built trust, you and the therapist can also gang up against the therapist. So it's them and you versus you and them. And that's a fun game.
Of everything I've seen of your writing thus far, even the more personal ones, this feels like the first time I saw beneath the veneer. Haven't seen everything, but of what I have seen it seems like there was no curated image or writers aesthetic here. It is also the piece of you I've liked the most and felt deeply impressed by
the title was a nice bucket of ice bc .. today really IS the first day of the rest of your life. and so is every day until you die. agree with your criticism of the dsm and your thoughts on mental wellness, definitely refreshing to see your thoughts. i also haven't finished reading the body keeps the score (and probably never will lol)
you are incredible, sherry ❤️
Wow I relate to this a lot! I recently wrote a similar too-personal post about my feeling of psychological phantom limb while in a church in Toulouse. You, or others here might relate.
https://open.substack.com/pub/backcountrypsych/p/phantom-limb?r=1kxn90&utm_medium=ios
There are so many parts that resonated for me as I lost my mum in my 20s. The gorge between before and after their passing away is real. I am in my 40s now and may have found some solace after all these years. I wrote about it in my last post. I am a huge Plath fan too for her ability to express. Thank you for sharing. It’s not easy to be share this.
My unfinished copy of The Body Keeps the Score stares at me most days. Odds are tending towards never finishing, but I suspect that’s ok.
It's the imposter syndrome...many of us have it, especially creatives... A dualism some strange outer body dichotomy thats almost unexplainable. I'm starting a new adventure within a career I've created for 30 plus years. The new adventure venture offers new unfamiliarity and skill sets outside my comfort zones. That being said I have this dread of consistently walking on layers of jello. (Always loved the black raspberry). It's the same spiritually. If your doing it correctly whatever that means you're never truly comfortable and the notion that what transcends out from the tongue never seems to line up somehow. I call it the demon of doubt. Anyway keep going...its a narrow gate that leads to unknown places where real honest security awaits you. Whoever trailblazes the path with you count your blessings...rare indeed