On Swearing & Sex
A Freudian take on power dynamics + my psychoanalyst's interpretation of my recent dream
I watched this hilarious video of a German man confused by the English insult “suck my d*”.
And he makes a good point: have you ever thought about how bizarre it is for non-English speakers to comprehend why most of our cusses objectively express a desire to copulate? (e.g., F* you). The guy in the video is questioning: if you’re in a fight and you don’t like this person, why are you asking them to give you oral sex?
Nudity (let alone sex) is shameful by nature because it is literally and figuratively an exposure of our vulnerabilities. Or, at the very least, it’s embarrassing. From fig leaves to brassieres, it’s evident that we wear clothes not only to keep warm but also for fear of provoking repulsion in others by the sight of our flesh. Our bodies never look quite as we want them to; there are always features we’d prefer to alter, even in the most athletic moments of youth. And deep down inside, we know that this anxiety is more existential than just cosmetic distaste (watch at 1:00). So, our language reflects our psyche:
Rudeness
There’s a healthy amount of repression we need in order to function. Freud called it a form of id regulation, like a seatbelt that’s holding us back from being thrown into anarchy.
While we fight for women’s rights and the abolition of slavery in our modern, democratic society, our collective taboos slither out from the shadows of social order in the privacy of hotel suites and bedrooms, where fantasies about being tied up and punished run loose. It’s why Fifty Shades of Grey sold like hotcakes (bookstores know that modern literature needs to be very interesting to compete with erotic fiction…the discovery of UFOs and previously unknown Shakespeare folios simply have no chance). A lover might show us his love by wrapping his hands around our neck or cussing at us. Or, she might tease us by dangling herself just out of reach, forcing us to beg — and we may find pleasure in such a degrading thing:

Rudeness and repulsion increase intimacy the same way salt brings out the nutty-sweetness in baked treats. This is true even outside of romance: I met my best friend over a politically incorrect joke she blurted out at brunch one day, and to her relief I laughed so hard I snorted. Intimacy is the reward for taking the risk of being offensive. If you want to express yourself or get closer to someone, you have to risk offending them; asking someone a personal question is the psychological equivalent of asking them to undo one more button.
This explains why being spanked can feel like a proof of acceptance — the wedding night is the story of Adam and Eve told in reverse: in nudity, two people in love find a paradise of mutual acceptance. Every kink or fetish disclosed is a tiny risk that says, “if I enjoy this repulsive, taboo thing, would I be too disgusting for you? Or would you still love me?”
The Penetrative vs. The Penetrated
There is some truth to the saying “everything in this world is about sex, except sex; sex is about power.” It started in Ancient Greece:
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