Just do whatever you like

Look, it's simple—do you want it or not

You want it. You get a chance to have it. Then you spoil it by making yourself feel like you don’t deserve it. You soak in self-resentment until you kinda forget about it (but also not really).

Why do you self-sabotage?

It’s not that you don’t know what you want. You know, and you’re certain of it when you see it. In fact, you quietly look for it when you’re alone. You know the shape of it, the weight of it, the way it would settle in your hands and make you glow if you had it. And that’s the part that scares you the most: it’s not the wanting—it’s the having.

You’re scared of having what you want because that thing, alive and pulsing, would require something of you: honesty. At some point, the thing you want made you so ashamed that you just decided that you’d do everything you can do make sure you never need it again. You can’t lose what you never let yourself reach for. You cover up that wanting with nonchalance because admitting that you can cave to your desires feels weak, yet it’…